what started out a little shaky

what started out a little shaky turned out alright in the end.

being a manager was and wasn’t new territory. the newest recruit called me type a behind my back after only the second day. at first i didn’t agree but then looked up the definition. she was probably a little right in her assessment, but did i want someone working for me who was already talking about me in negative light?

i’m older than everyone in the company and it’s not always noticeable until it is. i work harder, longer and faster but there’s no redeeming quality in being a quiet beast. it’s like running a half marathon in secret, always waking up alone with sore bones and blaming age.

i’m not enjoying life at the moment. i’m like that guy in the whale. working with the blinds closed, eating all day and saving everything to leave behind to my kids. it’s not as grave. i’m never in a couch. mostly i’m at a desk or kitchen table. i go outside and grow things. really i just go outside and watch things grow. i see friends but of course it could just be they’re seeing me. there’s no deep exchange. no one is real. no relationships seem worth nurturing. it’s not like i wield the power of sun and water. i just wilt and save seeds. that’s what type a people do i think.

maybe i’ll choose to be another type. if there’s time. as long as i leave something worth leaving behind it probably doesn’t matter what letter they choose on the type writer.